The Infertility Diaries

My Aiden

2010-11-18T17:46:00.000-08:00

This face I am seriously missing it right now. Aiden my favorite but shush don't tell anyone. Aiden and I have a very special bond. I guess you could say it starting when as an infant I would whisper in his ear and tell him that we were the numbers ones because we have the brown eyes. We also have a super secret club that everyone knows about that only Aiden and and I are the members of. To get in you have to have brown eyes and your name has to start with an A. Others have tried and failed to join our club. But it's just the way we like it the number ones only.

Being so far away from my number one has been hard. I now have my own little one but I still hold my little Aiden as my first number one. I miss his sweet little voice and his hysterical laugh the one that gets the neck vain to pop. I love the way he tells me stories that I can hardly understand but yet they are the best ones I have ever heard. I love the way he gets defiant and wont listen to anyone even me. I love how he has the great need to create stuff. I always try and give into that need. We make homemade play dough and I always buy him all the mess making toys his mom hates which I am sure I am going to get back as soon my little ones is old enough.

With Christmas around the corner I find myself sad and missing my Aiden. We would have gone Christmas shopping for holiday decorations by now. He is the best shopping companion ever. He helps pick out all sorts of crazy things and insist that I get them. I am sure I have some weird holiday decorations I have yet to pull out because my Aiden told me I had to have it. He also love snow globes. He even picked one out for me one year for Christmas. I can't see one without thinking how much Aiden would love it. Last year on our ornament shopping trip to the hobby lobby. Aiden insisted on wearing one gwoub (glove) he lost the other. We tried to convince him it wasn't a good idea but he is defiant and insisted. We came across the snow globes which he of course had to pick up and hold. While wearing only the one glove can you guess what happened yep it fell to the ground because it slipped out of the one gloved hand. Poor little Aiden was is tears. He had broken his favorite thing in the world. It was sad and sweet at the same time. Oh how I miss the him and the way he says gloves!

This time of the year just isn't the same without my Aiden!

Come visit me soon!

Mother's Day

2010-05-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I actually get to celebrate Mother's Day this year with a baby! I am actually a mother. I still pinch myself at times because I still can't believe that it's true. It's something that I always knew I wanted my whole life. Something that comes easy to some and is a struggle for others. While it was a struggle for me, I think it has made me appreciate the little miracle now living in my house more. I look at him each day and think how lucky I am. How I was trusted by God enough to be blessed with my baby's sweet soul. I whisper promises in his ear everyday. Promises that I will always love and believe in his greatness. That I will try to be the best mom that I can. I tell him every day how much I love him. How much I have changed because of him. How my life is better now because of him. How he make my belly and stretch marks worth it. I tell him that sharing my body with him was one of the biggest miracles I have ever witnessed. He completes me. I didn't realize before that something was missing until he was born. I remember the first time I saw him all I could think of was how familiar he looked. How I just knew he was mine. I felt I knew him before and now here he was to make me the one thing I have always wanted to be...a mother.

6 Weeks

2009-12-10T19:42:00.000-08:00

Can you believe it 6 weeks until my due date?? I know I haven't been here for a bit. I have been super busy but I do have a lot to tell. First of all my honey and went on our baby moon in October. I was amazing we flew to Portland and drove down the Oregon Coast to San Fransisco. I will make another post just about our trip. It was amazing. We had so much fun and even plan to take our little on back next summer. Then in November I had my baby shower. I will do a separate post about this too. It was so much fun and I got tons of great things for my baby. I think I am almost ready for him to come. Then the first week of December I got so sick I was in bed for a week! It has been a crazy few months!

I can believe how fast the time has gone by. I keep looking at my belly thinking how can something I longed for for so long really be here? B and I talk about what we are most nervous about for the baby to come. His fears are my delivery worrying that the baby and I will both be safe and healthy. My fears are not the same. I am not even scared or worried about the actual labor and delivery of my baby. I can handle pain and having my legs spread for the world to see. I had to do that getting pregnant. I am more worried about actually bringing the baby home. I keep thinking what if I am not a good mother? Will I know what my baby wants and needs? What if my mothers intuition doesn't kick in?? Can I keep hims safe, healthy, and happy? I am more worried about not knowing what to do or not being good at being a mother than anything. I mean I have wanted this for so long it scares me that I might fail at it.

But for now I am just enjoying the fact that my baby is still inside me. Knowing that while he is still there I can keep him safe. I take comfort in those jabs and kicks. Feeling him makes me so happy thinking of the little one that I am sharing my body with. It is truly an amazing experience.

Enjoying The Moment

2009-09-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

I am having a hard time with not enjoying the moment. I am so busy thinking about when my baby is going to come and planning for that. I am not stopping and realizing how amazing it is to pregnant and preparing for the baby. So you all know I am not the enjoy the moment kind of person. I always like to be thinking ahead. I like to be prepared and know what is coming next. I am going as far as planning where my baby's preschool and elementary will be. So in a world where I am already selling Christmas 2010. I made a promise to myself to enjoys the next 4 months.

I had this realization when I came from my last OB appointment. I was thinking oh my gosh at my next appointment I am going to be 6 plus months. That means that I will only have 3 months left. Instead of throwing me into a panic of all the things I need to do to get ready for the baby I found myself thinking I need to enjoy this more. I need look at my belly everyday and think how blessed I am that I even have this opportunity to be pregnant for this maybe my only chance! I need relish every single moment I have with just me and my honey before our little one comes. I just need to enjoy this time in my life more!

So here are the things that I have been enjoying now that I am slowing down:

My baby's kicks. I love to feel him jab at me from the inside. I can't tell you how amazing it is to feel him. It is making this whole experience real for me.

Each night before I take a bath I love to look at my naked belly in the mirror. It makes me so happy to rub my hands over my tummy and just think wow I really have a baby in there.

Orange juice has become my new favorite drink in the morning. I start each day with the news and and a glass of juice. Before I was pregnant I never drank anything with calories in it. So this is my little indulgence.

Talking to my baby bump on the way into work. My little guys love to kick me on my way to work. I don't know if it is cosmo radio that he likes or just the drive but he kicks me the whole way to work while I ask him questions. Like what are you doing in there?? Why don't you move to another spot now? ? What should we eat for lunch today??

My honey rubbing my tummy before he falls asleep each night. We always kiss goodnight but lately he reaches over to give my tummy a rub before we fall asleep. I love it. I makes me think he is saying goodnight to our little one.

Hearing take care of our baby from my honey every morning before he leaves for work. He kisses me goodbye and tells me to take care of our baby. I feel so blessed to be carrying our baby!

Shopping for our baby. I tell my husband all I want to do is buy things for our baby! Every weekend when I go out I like to pick up a least one little item for him. Socks, onesies, I have even bought binkys!

Picking out things for our nursery. I love going to the stores and deciding what will be in our baby's room. Each month we buy one big item for our nursery. Last month we bought a crib. This month we are buying the changing table/dresser! I can't wait to see it all put together.

There are so many more thing to my list but these are few of my favorites. I can't wait for my baby to come but I am going to try and enjoy each day that I have just being pregnant.

Ultrasound

2009-08-25T16:08:00.000-07:00

Today I had my official ultrasound with a high risk Dr. at the hospital I will be delivering at. I was nervous. I just wanted to make sure my baby was healthy and wasn't missing any limbs or anything. We got taken back and the ultrasound began. I looked up on the screen and I couldn't even make out a baby. I had to ask the Dr. what I was looking at because she wasn't the best as explaining. To my relief we were just looking at the placenta and my uterus. After that the fun part began and we looked at all the parts of our little boy. His head, face, legs, spine, arms, hands, feet, stomach, and heart. The Dr. told me I had a perfect little boy growing inside me and I was so happy. It is amazing to see him moving all around flipping up and down. He is quite the active boy already. My favorite part was to see him with his arms above his head. My husband loves to sleep that way. I think my baby is going to be just like his dad because my whole pregnancy so far I have been craving anything tomato based (which I normally hate) and salt. Two of my husbands favorites!

I still can't believe that I am actually having a baby. Even with my belly growing I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact I am going to be a Mom. It is truly a miracle to me. I find myself thinking of my little boy and wonder if he was just waiting for me to be ready for him. I think of the pain and struggle to actually get pregnant and wonder if he was watching, waiting, and whispering to me that it will soon happen and to just hold on and believe. I don't' know what it is with this little boy I am carrying but he brings me the most sense of calm I have ever experienced. I find myself happy and calm through all the crazy things around me. I just feel that everything will be okay. It is just our time to bring a baby into our home. Maybe we just weren't ready before. I have to say even though we have had many struggles since I have become pregnant. Before things just fell into place with everything in our lives that I just knew it was time. It would work out. Maybe it was our baby watching out and waiting for the right time. Knowing when the perfect to come to us would be. I must say I feel truly blessed to be pregnant and just know that our little boy is going to bring us so much love and happiness that we never knew before. I can't wait for the nights when I am awake with him nursing staring down and him and still not believing it is true. I just know I will have this same sense of calm.

Pictures of my Baby Boy!!!

2009-08-10T12:22:00.001-07:00

16 weeks! You can see his whole body!! It's a Boy!!! This is a profile picture of my monkey!

Guess What???

2009-08-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

On Monday I decided that we could go on Friday, for our sixth anniversary to the mall to the fetal ultrasound place to see what our baby was going to be. So all week long I have been telling my husband how many more sleeps until the big day. I could hardly wait. I even tried to get him to take me on Wednesday but he held to our Friday commitment telling me our baby needed to grow for two more days.

So today at work I looked up the place, called and made an appointment for 5:45. I was so anxious all day. I just wanted it to be five so I could go and find out. However, as it closer to the time I was getting more nervous. I don't know why. I think I was worried that maybe my baby wouldn't be healthy or big enough. I was just so nervous I was shaking on my way in.

Well once we got there I calmed down a little the nice Dr. took us back into the room and dropped the goop on my belly. The ultrasound began. It was amazing we could see its spine so clearly. The Dr showed us some great profile pics, feet, arms, legs, and head. He measured everything the make sure our baby was healthy. He even showed us the stomach and bladder. We saw the placenta and even saw my little bug kicking me like crazy! The best part was when our sweet little baby actually stretched out all big! Its spine, head, and neck all straighted out and our sweet baby had a big stretch! It was super cute!

But now you probably would like to know what we are having.... well if you believe old wives tales:

I have been having lots of headaches

I haven't too been sick

I have been craving lots of salty foods

Sweets make me sick

All these things point t0.............

A Boy !

Yep we are having a precious baby boy! My nephews are so excited to have another boy in the boys club. After we had the ultrasound we went out to dinner and then over to my sisters house to show our two nephews the pictures of our baby's wink. They giggled with delight when the saw them. When we asked them what we should name him. The littlest one immediately said Frazzle. Why I don't know. But I guess to a four year old that is a pretty cool name.

We are really excited and can't wait to start buying and getting the nursery all ready!

I will post the pictures when I can get them scanned they are pretty awesome and no doubt that it is a boy!

2009-07-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

Again I have been a major slacker and not posted. I am however doing much better. I am still getting headaches but I am feeling so much better about my pregnancy. I no longer think I am going to loose my baby and any given second. I am actually starting to believe I might make it to January just fine. I am starting to enjoy being pregnant and not worrying so much.

I had my second prenatal appointment last week. I love going to them even if all I do is pee in cup. I am enjoying every second of doing all the things that pregnant people do. I am actually going to get my ultrasound next month. I can't wait to find out what my baby is going to be. I am hoping for a girl but will be happy with a boy as well. My nephews want a boy because they think our family has too many girls. My sisters of course what a girl. I think I might go to the mall in a few weeks to see if they can tell on the 3D ultrasounds. So I will let you all know the second I found out!

As for my changing body it is weird. I seem to be getting all the ugly side affects of being pregnant. I won't go into details because they are ugly! I am starting to show but not the oh she is cute and pregnant just the has she gained weight or is she pregnant stage. Not cute! But I can't wait for my belly to get bigger so I can actually look pregnant. One of my nephews said to me the other day at dinner whoa your belly is huge. Not quite yet but thanks for making me feel chubbo!

Sorry for the rambling just thought it was time to update!

Keep your fingers crossed for a girl!

Headaches, Headaches, and more Headaches

2009-07-13T17:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit! I have just not been feeling well lately. I have been suffering from major headaches. I go to bed with them. I wake up with them. I have had a headache for 3 days so far. I That doesn't even count the the one I had earlier this week that made me throw up all night long. I just lay in bed and hold my head until I can fall asleep. So lesson learned?? Don't believe it when people say pregnancy makes your headaches stop!

Bleeding

2009-06-29T06:28:00.001-07:00

I spent yesterday evening in the ER. I awoke from a nap yesterday and noticed I was bleeding. Not light spotting seriously bleeding. I started panic. I grabbed my husband and ran to the ER. When they checked my vitals my heartbeat was over 100 bpm. I was so terrified that after all this I was losing my baby.

It took forever to be seen. However, as we sat in the room my honey keep trying to keep me clam. I was just sitting on the bed ready to cry when all the sudden I had the most peaceful feeling. The same peaceful feeling I have had this whole cycle. I began to relax while my husband continued to freak out. Finally the Dr. came in and ask about my history and pregnancy. When he realized that I had conceived through IVF and saw how scared we were he said he would call in an ultrasound. He also said he would also go grab a smaller ultrasound machine so we could see if my baby had a heartbeat. He couldn't have been a nicer Dr. He left and we continued to wait finally I see him coming down the hall with the ultrasound machine. He put the goop on my belly and and showed us our little baby with a heartbeat and it was moving all around. Now we just had to wait for the real ultrasound technician to perform a more technical ultrasound. I am so glad the Dr. gave us a quick ultrasound because it took another 2 hours to finally get my ultrasound. It calmed us down a bit but we were still anxious.

Finally the technician came and got me. They wouldn't let my honey go. Which upset us both. She took me back to the room and asked me a bunch of questions again. Finally she proceeded with the ultrasound. My baby had a heartbeat of 175 bpm. It was moving all around and it even waved at me. She then proceeded to check my uterus, ovaries, she then looked for the placenta and the other sac which she couldn't really tell it if was there or not. She thinks my body has absorbed it. I don't know. She told me every thing looked good. Then wheeled me back to my room and said it would take about 30 mins for the results.

Again we waited this time for an hour. Finally the Dr. came in with the official diagnosis of small crescentic fluid suggested surrounding the gestational sac which may present subchorionic hemorrhage. Whatever that means. The ultrasound tech told me she thinks the placenta hasn't fully attached because I am still so early in my pregnancy and it is still forming. She said I should be okay within another week. They also told me that I should be on bed rest again until I stop bleeding and to follow up with my Dr. in a week.

So here I am again in bed. Still worrying if I am going to be able to carry my precious miracle to full term. I find my self constantly saying the same prayer over and over again. Just hoping that my chance of becoming a mother doesn't slip away.

Finally an Update

2009-06-26T10:23:00.000-07:00

I had my Ultrasound on June 5th. The first picture is of my baby's perfect little heartbeat! 125 bpm! The second show my little baby and then another little sack that split! But there wasn't anything in them. I must say I so happy and excited and little relieved that it is not triplets! However, at this point I will take what I can get and be grateful.

I also had my first prenatal appointment. I was so excited to finally be seeing a doctor because I am pregnant and not because I am trying to get that way! I got to again see my little baby and it is so much bigger and moving all around inside. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen!

I have to say that I am completely overwhelmed with joy and happiness that I am finally going to be a mom! I carry my little pictures around with me and look at them all the time. When I am at a red light or just want to be able to connect with my little bug growing inside.

As far as pregnancy symptoms go I have been very lucky. I do not get sick in the morning thank heavens! I usually get sick at night and soda crackers usually cure my yuckiness. I have however, been getting lots of headaches. This sucks because I can only take Tylenol. So basically I just suffer until I can get to sleep. Other than that I am doing and feeling great just tired a lot. I usually take a nap after work everyday.

I do have some other good news too! I am officially 10 weeks today and tonight it is my last shot of progesterone! Yeah I can't believe it. I have been counting down for weeks. I don't know what we are going to do every night at 9pm. without a shot. It will be freedom to not have to be tied down to a shot for the first time in months!

I promise to keep my blog updated more. So keep checking back!

Things I Miss

2009-05-31T19:17:00.000-07:00

Because I have to do IVF to get pregnant I am pretty strict with what I eat and do. Just to be on the safe side. But there are a few things that I really miss.

Sushi- Oh how I miss eating my favorite food. Nothing can replace sushi! I am craving it big time!

Diet Coke- I think I miss you most of all. No more caffeine for me. No more McDonald's coke runs!

Eggs Benedict- I read in my baby book that runny eggs could possibly have bacteria in them so I now eat my egg scrambled. Today at breakfast when I was eyeing my honey's eggs benedict he said we are just taking every possible precaution. Yep!

Chocolate- I don't really eat a lot of chocolate but try to find an ice cream that is good without chocolate in it! Super hard! I don't eat chocolate because of caffeine! I am hard core anything that could cause a miscarriage it out!

Cleaning- OK I miss this most of all. I am not allowed to do anything too active and I miss cleaning, dusting, scrubbing, mopping, all things that I wish I could do!

Hot baths-I love to take long hot as I can stand baths. Now I just take luke warm baths. Let me tell you I don't stay in that long.

Even though there is a list of things that I miss. Believe me it is all going to be worth to have a baby!

Good News

2009-05-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

Well I had my pregnancy test on Monday! I went to clinic early and had my blood drawn. Then I just had to wait and wait. Finally the call came. I was so nervous I got all hot and sweaty when I answered the phone. But good news came. the nurse told me that I am pregnant! My HCG level was over 1000. They told me that because it was so high there is a possibility of multiples! Can you believe it?? I won't know for sure until my ultra sound on June 5th. But I am keeping my fingers crossed!

Bed Rest

2009-05-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

I saw the Dr. on Monday because I have been having major cramps ever since I had my transfer. They took my blood pressure, my temperate, and weighed me. Then they did 2 ultrasounds, one vaginal and one on my tummy. The verdict....my ovaries are filled with fluid. That is why I haven't slept through the night and I am doubled over in pain all the time. The Dr. said that typically this happens to pregnant women. So it could be a good sign. However, if I am pregnant it is only going to get worse at least for the first 2 months. Ugh.

So here is what I have to do to help with the pain:

Bed rest for another week in a reclining position

I have to measure my input meaning how much I drink. They told me I have to drink 64oz of powerade/gatorade a day!

I have to measure my output meaning how much a pee! I have this little white thing I have to put on the seat of my toilet to pee in. Let me tell you how much I hate this.

I have to weigh myself every morning.

And I have to measure my tummy...or as they call it abdominal girth. How ugly is that???

I have to call the clinic everyday with the previous days results!

I haven't been feeling well at all. My cramps come and go through out the day and night and worsen as the day goes on. I am so tired from the lack of sleeping through the night. I find myself taking 2 mini naps a day. I will be watching TV and then next thing I know I am out cold. I am however, not freaking out at all. I am super surprised by this. I am just calm and hopeful. This cycle has been nothing like the previous two. So we will just have to see what happens next!

10 Reasons Why I Love my Mom

2009-05-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

My mom has been so sick for the past week. She was even admitted into the hospital and just got out today. So since I have been on bed rest and my mom has been sick we haven't seen each other in forever! I miss you mom and wish I could be with you!

10 reasons why I love you:

1- Even though I have caller id when I answer my phone she says, Junnie banunie its yours mama.

2- She made my little sisters visit me first before seeing her in the hospital just in case they could pass it on to me.

3-Even though I have a husband that can take care of me, whenever I have a migraine I have to call my mom and cry to her. She can always make me feel better.

4- One day when I was particularly sad about not having a baby. She came down to my office and said what would you say if I could get you twin baby girls in a month. She had so much determination in her eyes I knew she could do it if I wanted. There is nothing she won't do for her children in pain.

5-She purrs on us when she gives us hugs. When she is gone too long I miss those purrs.

6- She says you make fun of me but just wait you will be just like me. I know mom I will. If I end up having babies they won't cross the street and I might look into plastic bubbles for them to live in.

7- We share the same birthday and we always celebrate by buying new lipsticks together. It's the best! There is nothing better than a new lipstick.

8-When I had my first miscarriage she came rushing over to my house and held me while I cried and cried. I didn't think I would ever be happy again but she told me I could get through it. She was right.

9-I love that when she has to make business decisions or major life decisions. She goes with her gut and never looks back. It's something I aspire to do.

10-My mom has worked hard her whole life so her children would never go with out. She has sacrificed herself for her kids. Mom don't think that I haven't noticed. I truly appreciate it!

Mom I love you so much and thank God every night that he sent me to you! I wish I could be with you while you are sick. You always make it better when I am. Happy Mother's Day!

Transfer Update

2009-05-06T17:23:00.000-07:00

I had my transfer today! I woke up this morning so happy and excited. I got all ready, I curled my hair and wore a cute outfit. I just wanted to look nice on the day my embryos would be transferred into me. I has so happy on the drive up. I just keep looking at my honey and smiling. We got breakfast on the way up so I could take my last antibiotic.

When we got there I had to wait a little. When they brought me back the nurse told me it had been a crazy day. First we went into a private room so our Dr. could give us the picture of the 2 embryos we would transfer. We went over the consent forms and signed them. Now we were ready for the transfer. A nurse took me back to the transfer room and had to undress from the waist down. The usually drill at the clinic. I got into the all to familiar giant chair.

I must say that I wasn't nervous at all. I was just so happy to be finally here. The transfer. The Dr. came in and gave me 2 Valium. They give this not because the procedure will hurt or is scary they just want you to stay down and rest.

Finally we were ready for the transfer. I had to get my feet back into those lovely stirrups again. The nurse made the chair go back and my legs were once again wide open for the world to see. However, this time I didn't feel so weird. I was to just too excited for my little embryos to be inside me.

The embryologist came into the room and had me verify my name and date of birth. The Dr. then prepared me and put the catheter in. This catheter is a long softish tube that the use to help guide the thing that the embryos are in for the transfer. The embryologist then put the embryos with my name and of birthdate up on the screen and zoomed in so we could see them. They looked exactly like the picture. He then sucked them up and brought them in to the room in this long shot needle looking thing. I just held Bs hand as the Dr. transferred my little ones inside me. I was happy. The embryologist then checked to make sure they were all out of the tube and then we were done. The moved the chair back in to a reclining position and I had to wait 30 mins before I could leave.

From that moment on I thought I would be at peace. But I must say all that I felt from there was terror. I was now scared of what if they fall out. Completely impossible but you know. Scared that I they might not attach. Just plain terrified that it won't work out.

When I got home I took a long nap. When I woke up I was still scared that any movement would keep them from implanting. Hopefully the fear will go away soon!

Transfer

2009-05-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

I got another call from the clinic today! I have my transfer tomorrow at 10am. When we arrive they will give me pictures of the two best embryos that they will transfer. I am having a 5 day transfer. My embryos have reached the blastocysts stage. The have the best change of getting me pregnant. All 7 of my embryos are still growing great. I hope I get to freeze a few! I am so excited. I feel so good about things. I am hoping and pray this time will stick!

This is what happens during the Transfer:

Once the eggs are fertilized, the resultant embryos are transferred to the incubator and allowed to develop until ready for transfer, which is usually from 3 to 5 days. In younger women 5-day embryos (blastocysts) are used because they have a greater probability of survival and fewer need be transferred so as to decrease the risk of multiple pregnancies.

The couple returns to the clinic on the day of transfer and the embryos are transferred to the uterus using a small catheter in a painless procedure which only takes a few minutes and an hour of rest after the transfer in the clinic.

The transfer is no worse than a pap! Now all I have to do is deal with the bed rest!

I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Call From the Clinic

2009-05-03T19:53:00.000-07:00

Today I got the call from the embryologist he told me that I have 7 eggs that fertilized and are growing great! He also told me that my transfer would be on Wednesday. I can't wait I am so excited. They are going to call me on Tuesday with an update on my eggs and also with the time of my transfer. I can't believe we are almost there. I have felt like this day would never come!

I have also started my antibiotic and progesterone shots! The antibiotic is to make sure that I don't get an infection from the surgery. The progesterone is in oil and a big needle in my bum! Ouch! I stared them on Friday and the when B gave it to me he hit a vain and I bleed forever! But he has gotten much better the past few days! I am so lucky to have him help through this whole deal. He is a trooper and just does what has to be done to help us get a baby.

Egg Retrival

2009-05-01T17:58:00.000-07:00

I had my Egg Retrieval on Friday. I didn't sleep very well the night before. I keep waking up every hour I was afraid that I would be late. Well we ended up getting there on time and they took me right back. Even though I had done this twice before I was so nervous. I don't know why!

I had to undress and put on one of those lovely gowns with and open back! They started my IV and of course after 10 plus hours of no food it they couldn't find a vain. I think that ended up being the worse part getting my IV. After I had my IV I just had to wait. My Dr. had a procedure before me and it was running late. That might have been the worst part. Waiting. It just made me more nervous.

Finally they took me back to the retrieval room. Now the fun part begins!! The Dr. came in and gave me the run down of what was to happen. B and I signed the consent forms and we were ready to start. The nurse starts to tilt my chair back and made me put my legs in the stirrups! Now let me tell you this is not like going to the gyno! My legs were up there! My whole business there for the world to see! Okay I think that is actually the worst part. I keep my knees closed and nurse keep telling me to spread them. I keep cracking joke about how much fun I was having. She then said she would give me the drugs to make me not care about my legs being spread for the world to see. The last thing I really remember was holding my honey's hand and him asking me if I could feel it yet. I said No and she injected me with something else. All I can remember from there was the Dr. preparing me for the surgery. I also vaguely remember tell the nurse that if would feel good to go sleep. I think that was probably when they helped me back to my room. Which I can't remember at all!

Then next thing I remember is hearing my other Dr. in the hall. He is super loud and a little crazy. But an amazing Dr. His loud voice is what woke me up. I looked around a bit. I was all snuggled up in a recliner and before I knew my honey was back in my room. He told me I did a good job. I always ask if I said anything crazy cause that is what I do. He told me I didn't. Next the nurse came in next to check my vitals and give me some juice and crackers. Grape juice! It tasted to delicious after 12 plus hours of no liquid. I drank two! I finally remembered to ask about my eggs! Now for the best part! I had 18 eggs!! The nurse told me that is double the normal average! I was so happy I couldn't believe it! It was all worth it! They checked me out after I was able to keep down my juice and crackers for at least a half and hour. I got wheel chair service to my car.

On the way home I was starving. So B took me to my favorite hamburger joint. Hires Big H! So yummy! After lunch I went home and slept for 3 hours. I now just have to wait to hear how my eggs fertilized.

HCG Shot

2009-04-30T10:01:00.000-07:00

Last night I took my HCG Shot to get me ready for my egg retrieval! After the HCG shot you have to wait 48 hours for the egg retrieval. Mine is scheduled for tomorrow at 8:30am. No food or drink after midnight tonight! I am a little nervous for it but I am mostly excited.

This is what happens during an Egg Retrieval:

An egg retrieval typically takes place under some form of sedation, so you will not feel any pain. A needle is attached to an internal ultrasound probe, which is inserted into the vagina. The doctor uses the ultrasound to see the ovaries and locate the ovarian follicles. The needle punctures each follicle, and a gentle suction is applied to remove the egg and fluid within the follicle. An embryologist then evaluates the fluid and finds the egg. Sperm and eggs are placed together to allow fertilization to occur.

I am hoping for at least 10 good eggs. The whole process usually take about 30 mins! Scary but necessary to have a baby!

Lots of Good Eggs!

2009-04-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

Today I went in for an ultrasound to see how my eggs are coming along. They look great! I have a bunch of good sized follicles in both my ovaries and especially my right one. Also my uterine stripe is very visible. The Dr. said that it was a very good indication that I could get pregnant. I go back again tomorrow to see what one more day of stimulation does for my follicles. I am hoping I get to HCG trigger soon but I am going to be patient to make sure I get the most perfect sized eggs. I am so excited I can hardly handle it! I am just feeling to so good about things!

Things are Good!

2009-04-22T20:17:00.000-07:00

Today as I was driving home enjoying the warm sunshine and seeing the beautiful world around me for the first time in a long time. I just had the most content and peaceful feeling. I found myself thinking I just feel so good about my life, my IVF cycle, and all things in my life. Things are just good. I don't know what it is but I am happy, feeling good, and thinking things just might go my way. I am even not dreading my shots every night. They hardly even hurt these day. Maybe I am just so used to shots now I don't really notice them. Whatever it is I hope it sticks around. I am just feeling like all is right in my world!

All Ready to Go!

2009-04-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

I had another ultrasound on Tuesday and my ovaries are finally doing what they are suppose to.

Nothing. So I have been given the green light to start my FSH drugs on Monday! That means 3 shots in the tummy every day! Not fun but I am so excited to finally get going. I feel like I have been put on hold forever. Even though things haven't gone the way I expected..... I am really feeling so good about this cycle. I just think that maybe the time it is right and this will all work out!

Starting Lupron Again!

2009-04-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

I started my Lupron shots again last night! I am excited I got the clear to start again. But who know if my body will respond that way it is suppose to! For now, I am going to be positive. I just have a good feeling about this!

Complaining Parents

2009-03-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's spring fever or that fact that we keep getting snow but all I have heard from people lately are complaints about their kids. It makes me so upset!!! Do you know how lucky you are to have a child or children to complain about???? Do you know how I lay awake at night longing to be woken up by the sound of a crying baby?? Do you know how much it would make me smile to see crayon all over my perfect walls?? Do you know how bad I want to Windex off little finger prints from my windows?? So why all you parents out there complain about each crazy thing your child does..... Remember me the one that aches to have those tasks that you all get to do each and every day. Remember how lucky you are to have a child to hold in your arms. Remember when your child acts up and is complaining about what to wear, what to eat, and when they have to go to bed that I would trade you places in a heart beat.

Know that your children are blessings from God and that you are the blessed ones to have them in your life. Because I know you wouldn't want to trade all those little annoyances for my empty arms. So enjoy each day. Enjoy each mess. Enjoy those beautiful children that I so desperately want.

Starting Over

2009-03-02T14:42:00.000-08:00

Well today at my ultrasound appointment they discovered that my cyst on my left ovary has gotten much bigger....it as big as a good sized apple. I also now have a cyst on my right ovary. So we can't start my cycle. They are worried that because my left cyst is so big it might flip and cut of bloods supply to my ovary which would make it die. That would be one more strike against getting pregnant. Lovely! So I am going back on birth control in the hopes it will shrink my cysts. If not I will have to have surgery to drain them. Fun Fun. This means I have to start all over. I go back on the 23th for another ultrasound to see how I am responding to the birth control. If they shrink I will be able to start my cycle all over again. For now it will delayed at least a month!

How do I feel about this....I guess deep down I knew that my cyst was still there. I didn't think I would have two giant ones. But what can you do??? As we were leaving the clinic I was complaining to my honey that I had it all planned. I wrote it down!!! He told me that he knows I like to have time frames and plans. But think of this as just one more step in the right direction and that will make sure I am perfect for my new cycle. I guess he is right. I don't want to go into a new cycle with any problems. However, I am a little disappointed and feel like a defect once again!

For now though I am going to have faith the what is suppose to happen will happen.

Hopefully what is suppose to happen will bring me a baby!

Update

2009-02-26T11:28:00.000-08:00

I had my ultrasound on Monday and I have a couple of problems....but when haven't I had problems?? The first one is I have a HUGE cyst on my left ovary. It is completely squishing my left ovary you couldn't even see it on the screen. Crazy! I am not too worried about this or shocked. The night before I told my honey that I know I have cyst I can feel it! Plus my first IVF cycle I had one on my right side. So nothing new or scary. My second problem is that I have a mature egg in my right ovary. Lets just say my ovaries are struggling! It measured a size 14 ready to harvest!

They are more concerned about this egg seeing how I have been on Lupron for a week. This is not suppose to be happening. So the plan is to stay on Lupron for another week and have another ultrasound on Monday. Hopefully my cyst will be gone and the egg will be shrinking with the Lupron. If this is the case I will start my egg simulating meds on Monday as scheduled. If not they will just have to hold off and see what happens. Either way I am not worried or freaked out.

I am surprised that I am not stressing out about this. My old self would panic and be distraught over the results of my ultrasound. But I have been through this all before and am ready for whatever happens. I think what needs to happen will and I will be okay. I just want everything to perfect for my cycle and my Dr. won't let me start unless it is. That makes me feel good!

Hoping I have good new Monday!

Lupron Shots!

2009-02-19T14:37:00.000-08:00

I started my Lupron shots this week. They aren't so bad. Just one little shot in my tummy every night. I make my honey do it cause I just can't! Thanks goodness he isn't a wimp! What Lupron does it put you into a mini menopause. They want to make sure my ovaries are nice and quiet before they give me the hormones to produce eggs. The really fun side affect of Lupron....yep you guessed it more headaches!

Other than the headaches I am doing well. I have my good and bad days. I go from being excited to extremely terrified. I just hope it works out this time. I just don't know how to deal if I have another miscarriage.

Hormones,Headaches, & Progesterone

2009-02-04T19:35:00.000-08:00

I am almost two weeks into my birth control and I am dying. The hormone change has been giving me intense migraines. I am having at least 2-3 a week. I finally broke down and called the clinic to complain. Also to discuss when exactly I have to give up all my migraine medicine and diet coke! Two things I never leave home without! I actually got some good news. They are going to let me stay on my migraine medicine up until my transfer. I however am going to start to wean myself off it and diet coke at the the same time. They are also going to switch my birth control to a progesterone based one instead of a estrogen based one. Thanks heavens!!! Progesterone is so much better!! So hopefully my migraines will start to get better with the change.

Migraines and Test Results

2009-01-30T20:40:00.001-08:00

I heard back from the fertility clinic today about my 12 vials of blood. And surprise surprise there is nothing wrong. When I got the news I must admit I didn't feel any sense of relief. I actually was upset. I don't know if it was because I had yet another migraine today or if there is nothing wrong with me than maybe this round of IVF won't work either. Maybe the problem is just me. No strange disease. No crazy genetic thing. Maybe it is just like my migraines I have them and no on can tell me why. Every test comes out normal. There are no answers.

So today was an emotional day of just wishing someone could find something wrong with me.

At least I would have an answer.

Round Three Here We Go!

2009-01-27T20:05:00.001-08:00

After a lot of soul searching and finally making up my mind I have officially started my 3 IVF cycle! Can you all believe it??? Did you ever think it would happen??

Well I did call the Dr. and he had 12 yes 12 vials of my blood drawn and I am just waiting for the results to come back. I am trying to be fearless and not think about what they are looking for! However, I must admit that I am really excited and do feel at peace with my decision to try again. Right now I am just on the birth control...for all you that don't know about IVF cycles they have you go on birth control for at least 3 weeks before you start the egg stimulation meds. They want to be able to completely control your ovaries! Fun fun fun!

So far the birth control is making my headaches worse! And it's making me a little more emotional. But what can you do??

Today I talked to my nurse and got my IVF calendar! So I will keep you all posted of my appointments, test results and so on!

Stay Tuned!

Migraines

2009-01-07T13:18:00.000-08:00

I don't think that I have mentioned in any of my previous post but I suffer from migraines. Horrible migraines. They put me flat in bed. No light, sounds, smells, food, or water for me for at least 12 hours. Anyway, I had one today. I am finally feeling better now. But the whole time that I am laying there in bed wishing I could just cut my head off. I wonder how in the world could I have a baby when my head hurts this bad? How could I take care of a screaming baby when I can hardly lift my head up? These migraines aren't just once every few months. I get at least 2 nasty ones a month. I have seen several doctors that all tell me the same things. You are a women that is why you have them. Oh really am I a women??? Thank you for sharing that tidbit with me! I am so glad your 7 years of medical school paid off for you jerk! My 3 year old nephew could have told me that. Or my favorite one of all, just get pregnant they will go away! Well, if I could get freaking pregnant that might be a nice 9 month fix. What about when I am no longer pregnant? I just get so frustrated laying in bed dying...wondering if I am ever going to get over these migraines.

If anyone knows any great cures I am all ears!

New Year--New Resolution

2008-12-29T12:38:00.000-08:00

As the new year approaches we all think about what are New Year's Resolutions will be. As for me I have had mine taped to my computer for about a month now. It came to me in the from of a Dove Promise. The delicous chocolate candies that have a saying in the wrapper. It read Be fearless. I find this deeply meaningful one because I don't think that I have ever been fearless in my entire life. Two because I think certain things find you when you need them most. This one happened to find me as I was going to pitch a huge program to a large customer I have been dying to get. I need to to read those words. Be Fearless.

For me as this new year starts I am going to try and live my life by being fearless. I am not only going to apply it to my infertility but my everyday life too. For starters I am going to try IVF again as we ring in the new year. This time will be different though. I have been through it twice now. I know what to expect. So I am going to be go through the process by being fearless. Every twinge and ache I am not going to stress. I am going to enjoy...yes enjoy every shot, every exam, and every blood draw as this amazing step on my path to a baby.

Being fearless in my everyday life is going to be a little trickier. I think I am a person that pretty much likes to play it safe. I don't generally try things if I think they will make me feel stupid or awkward. So for the New Year and the New Fearless me I am going to try new things when ever they present themselves to me! So here is to the New Year, hopefully a New Baby, and a New fearless Me!

Be Fearless!

Fear and Suffering

2008-11-14T14:17:00.000-08:00

Okay I know I haven't posted in over 3 months. I have been running from reality and not wanting to deal with my infertility. I promised myself that after the summer ended I would try IVF once again. Well the summer came and went and I was still too afraid to try. Which leads me to my next point.

On Wednesday I had to get on a plane to go to NY so instead of getting my usually celeb gossip magazines. I deiced I was going to finish the book I have been avoiding because I knew deep down it was going to change me. The Alchemist. I got on the plane and found my seat and began to read. I had been reading for almost fours hours when I came across a sentence that spoke to me so profoundly I started to cry. It read "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself."

Once I stoped crying I dug through my purse tyring to find something to write on. The only thing I could finds was my ticket. I knew I had the message I needed. The fear is worse the actual suffering. Why had I not realized this before?? The living in fear each day of the what if it doesn't work out a third time.??? What if there is something wrong with me?? What if I am never able to have a baby??? The fear of all these unanswered questions is far worse than trying and knowing. So I made a promise to myself before I got off the plane that night. I promised myself that I would finally go and get that blood test. I am going to call my Dr. and tell him that I am ready to try again. And most importantly I am finally ready to to tell my heart that the fear of suffering is far worse that the suffering itself.

Due Date

2008-07-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

Today was my due date for my first pregnancy. I am doing okay expect for one more wonderful reminder of how unpregnant I am. Aunt Flow came early today. So today I am crampy, sad, and still wondering about when to try again.

Here we are!

2008-07-01T15:21:00.001-07:00

I have had requests to post pictures of my hubby and me. So here we are...wouldn't we make beautiful babies???

Seeing the Forest and Finding my Faith

2008-06-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

I used to always believe that babies came to earth when God wanted them to. They came when they came. After finding myself on the path of infertility I found myself wondering how God could be part of something so scientific. I thought to myself if God couldn't give me a body that got pregnant naturally then science would fix it. Science would bring me a baby. But I still often wondered if my doctors ever saw God in what they they did.

All week long I have been thinking a lot about me not being pregnant. Wondering how God and science could both fail me. And I have to say I have found my answer in God. I have to admit I was very surprised to come to this conclusion. I just thought there was seriously something wrong with me. However, after looking at the things in my life I have realized that it would not be the right time for me to deliver next month. The things that are happening in my family, my husband's business, and just in myself personally right now it wouldn't be right. I have come to the conclusion that God does have his hands in the scientific. So after many days of soul searching I know this for sure. I have found my faith in God again. I am going to close my eyes and jump and say I am in your hands now. God you will bring me a baby when the time is right.

Only God knows and sees the big picture. Sometimes we just get so focused on the trees we don't see the forest. So today I am stepping back and seeing the forest for the first time since being pushed down the path of infertility. As the days go on I might loose sight of the forest but at least for today I have found it and my faith in God again.

Today

2008-06-10T12:17:00.001-07:00

Everyone in my office is pregnant. I am not exaggerating. There are at least six people I work with that are having babies this year. The first couple just had their baby and brought him to the office to show off. Needless to say I am a mess. When I saw them walk up my heart just sank. There was the baby I was suppose to have. I pretended to be excited and oohed over the little one. But inside my heart is broken. As they walked away K and I (she is also on the path of infertility) just sat there looking at each other. Both sensing the others pain. Both wishing it were our baby and both holding back tears.

So today I am struggling to be happy for those who are pregnant. I am trying to see the good things in my life. I am trying to remind myself that I may not be a mother but I have two nephews that tell me that I am their favorite and that is what counts!

There is a path to everything you want

2008-05-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

When I moved in to my new house over a year ago we tried a new Chinese restaurant. At the end of dinner we got our fortunes my said, "There is a path to everything you want" I found it deeply meaningful and kept it and put it on a board in my kitchen. I have forgotten about it and looked at it again the other day. I remember the day I got it that I was happy thinking that the path to my baby would be through the best possible doctors and IVF. Today I look at my fortune and think the path to my baby may not be the one that I expected but at least there is still a path. I am not saying that I am going to give up on myself yet. I still think I will try IVF at least just one more time. But what I am saying is that I am growing up and I am opening my mind and my heart to the possibility of other paths.

So today I find myself thinking of the paths we take in like. With each path that we come across in our lives we have to ask our self is this the right path for me? We are lucky when we get to choose the path. Some paths we don't even get to choose like that path of infertility you just get kicked out of a moving car and stumble down it. They only thing we can choose is how we accept the un-choosen path. So with dignity and grace I will accept the path of infertility. I will stay to the world I may not be a mother but I am an amazing aunt, sister, wife, daughter, and friend. I will thank the Lord each day for the the things that I do have in my life. I will look at each day as a gift, every meal a banquet, and every challenge a new opportunity to grow. And most importantly I will remember that there is a path to everything I want.

Mother's Day

2008-05-11T18:18:00.000-07:00

My husband and I went our last night for dinner. We had a really good time and even decided to order desert. When the waiter came over to ask if we wanted dessert he said the all mothers got free dessert. I had to tell him that I was not a mother. Just saying those words made me tear up. You can know something but unless you have to say the truth for others to hear you can live in denial. The poor waiter must have realized he hit a nerve and assured me I would get free dessert as well. I just sat there thinking to myself how I was suppose to be well on my way to being a mother by now. How horrible it felt to say those words out loud. How no one on the planet understand the pain unless they have been there themselves. I ended up eating my charity dessert and holding back tears the whole time. The waiter told me as he brought us the check that I would be a mother soon enough as if her could sense my desire to be a mother. I thought that the worst was over until....

Sunday my hubby and I go to brunch on most Sundays so this morning we got up and went to our favorite spot. I had gotten over last nights melt down and was feeling okay to be in public even on the holiday that is dedicated for just mothers. So we sat down and I just started to look around at all the happy families and began to tear up. When am I going to get my happy family? When will I be able to look at a family and not be jealous of them? Why do I have to go through this? All those happy families there celebrating their moms. Sitting there I just wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Sometimes I am just so sad and then others I am just so angry. I don't know which it worse. But what I do know for sure that this grieving thing comes in cycles and I never know when it's going to hit. So here's to Mothers and wanna be

Mothers crying in restaurants!

Things that make me sad

2008-05-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

For the most part I can make it through the day a fairly happy person. I can put a smile on my face and say to myself I am strong!! I am not going to be sad today. Then I will see something that sets me off. For example, I was in Vegas last weekend and my sweet hubby took me to my favorite outlet for some shopping. I was wondering around the mall super happy when I came across a pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said expecting..... ugh like she needed to tell the whole world. We know you have the Golden Ticket we are not clueless your giant boobs and belly give it away for you. Seeing things like this remind me how pregnant I am not and how adorable I would think that shirt was if I was.

I got over the pregnant girl and made it back to work this week. We have outlet stores at the site of the corporate office where I work. I took a trip over there Monday and found another thing that made me cry. One of the stores is of home decor stuff they sell those Demdaco figurines. One of them is of two little babies. Twins I saw it on my way out and I teared up. I picked them up and didn't want to put them down. Those sweet little babies remind me of the two I have lost and the two I so desperately want. I secretly long for a set of twins. I hope that after all I have to go through to get pregnant I should get two! Today is Wednesday and I am still thinking about those little babies. Hoping they are sign that one day I will have babies. So today I find myself clinging to the hope that one day when I feel ready I will try again and I will have my twins.

Does It Really Work??

2008-04-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

Right now my friend K is going through the same thing I have. An IVF cycle with pregnancy and miscarriage. So my question is..... Does it ever really work??? Come on now. I look at at every freaking pregnant person out there and think it is some giant conspiracy. I just don't understand how anyone can have a baby! You would think that after all that it takes to do IVF that it would result in a baby.

Sometimes I feel like I am in the Truman Show. That I am living this life that the whole world is watching and I am completely unaware of it. That they all know that if I just open my eyes, open a door, or turn a different way I will see the truth and I can have what I want or desire. If only it was that easy. But for now I am just here wondering if , when, and how will I have a baby.

Waiting

2008-04-15T12:36:00.000-07:00

I saw my Dr. on Friday he said that he thinks that I am not a defect and that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. I am just one of the lucky ones that at my age is in the 4% of people that have two miscarriage in a row. Don't you just love fun statistics?? Anyway I am going to be getting blood drawn on practically everything to make sure for sure that I don't have some crazy weird problem that could be causing the miscarriages. The good news my Dr had for me was that I have about and 80% chance of carrying my next pregnancy to term. That made me feel a little better. However, I am not ready to try again and don't know when I will be. I feel like if I do have another miscarriage that I am going to have them the rest of my life and never be a mother. My Dr tells me that is not true but still I can think what I want to right?? So right now I just plan on waiting. Waiting to hear about my blood work. Waiting to see when I feel up to it. Waiting to so see if the pain goes away. Waiting to see if I can find myself again.

Where do I go from here?

2008-04-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

As each day passes I find myself wondering where do I go from here? What do I do?? After two rounds of IVF, two pregnancies, and two miscarriages what do I do? Should I try it again? Is there something seriously wrong with me? Why can't I just be pregnant all ready? I find that I can't get away from it. Not even for a minute. I go to work and put a smile on my face. But inside I am sad, upset and afraid I will never be a mother. I turn on the radio and they are talking about being pregnant. I open a magazine and some new movie star is announcing her pregnancy or showing off their new baby. It reminds me more and more that I am not pregnant and makes me feel like I never will be. I hate this. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can handle another round of IVF all the shots, it is physically and mentally exhausting. If I do it again I am terrified of another miscarriage. I just don't know if I can bounce back from another one. It is too painful to go through again. So I am asking where do I go from here????

Will it ever happen???

2008-03-25T17:14:00.000-07:00

Bill took me to San Diego for the weekend. It was amazing we had so much fun. It was great to get away if only for the weekend. But coming home I found was hard. I was sitting in the airport waiting for our luggage when I had this intense ache fill up inside me as reality came crashing back. I had another miscarriage. The words keeping going through my mind. The pain and empty ache I have had since my first were almost too much to take. I sat there waiting for the bags trying to think of anything else to keep me from breaking down in the airport. I did make it to car where I just sat there and cried. I don't think this empty feeling will ever go away. Being home again reminded me of the failed attempts to get pregnant. It brought back all those horrible feelings I was running away from. Will it ever happen for me??

I am blogging

2008-03-25T17:03:00.000-07:00

This blog is going to be about my fertility or lack there of. I am doing this because my bff LaRen told me it would make me feel better while going through this awful process. So here it is my first post. I can't promise it is going to be interesting of fun to read. But I can promise you will laugh and you will cry. I also promise to be real and tell it like it is without the sugar. That is just the way I am. If you don't believe me ask anyone who knows me. So LaRenny here it is my first post. Aren't you proud????