Migraines

I don't think that I have mentioned in any of my previous post but I suffer from migraines. Horrible migraines. They put me flat in bed. No light, sounds, smells, food, or water for me for at least 12 hours.  Anyway, I had one today. I am finally feeling better now.  But the whole time that I am laying there in bed wishing I could just cut my head off.  I wonder how in the world could I have a baby when my head hurts this bad? How  could I take care of a screaming baby when I can hardly lift my head up? These migraines aren't just once every few months. I get at least 2 nasty ones a month.  I have seen several doctors that all tell me the same things. You are a women that is why you have them. Oh really am I a women??? Thank you for sharing that tidbit with me!  I am so glad your 7 years of medical school paid off for you jerk! My 3 year old nephew could have told me that.  Or my favorite one of all, just get pregnant they will go away! Well, if I could get freaking pregnant that might be a nice 9 month fix. What about when I am no longer pregnant? I just get so frustrated laying in bed dying...wondering if I am ever going to get over these migraines.  

If anyone knows any great cures I am all ears! 

New Year--New Resolution

As the new year approaches we all think about what are New Year's Resolutions will be. As for me I have had mine taped to my computer for about a month now. It came to me in the from of a Dove Promise. The delicous chocolate candies that have a saying in the wrapper. It read Be fearless. I find this deeply meaningful one because I don't think that I have ever been fearless in my entire life. Two because I think certain things find you when you need them most. This one happened to find me as I was going to pitch a huge program to a large customer I have been dying to get. I need to to read those words. Be Fearless.

For me as this new year starts I am going to try and live my life by being fearless. I am not only going to apply it to my infertility but my everyday life too. For starters I am going to try IVF again as we ring in the new year. This time will be different though. I have been through it twice now. I know what to expect. So I am going to be go through the process by being fearless. Every twinge and ache I am not going to stress. I am going to enjoy...yes enjoy every shot, every exam, and every blood draw as this amazing step on my path to a baby.

Being fearless in my everyday life is going to be a little trickier. I think I am a person that pretty much likes to play it safe. I don't generally try things if I think they will make me feel stupid or awkward. So for the New Year and the New Fearless me I am going to try new things when ever they present themselves to me! So here is to the New Year, hopefully a New Baby, and a New fearless Me!

Be Fearless!

Fear and Suffering

Okay I know I haven't posted in over 3 months. I have been running from reality and not wanting to deal with my infertility. I promised myself that after the summer ended I would try IVF once again. Well the summer came and went and I was still too afraid to try. Which leads me to my next point.

On Wednesday I had to get on a plane to go to NY so instead of getting my usually celeb gossip magazines. I deiced I was going to finish the book I have been avoiding because I knew deep down it was going to change me. The Alchemist. I got on the plane and found my seat and began to read. I had been reading for almost fours hours when I came across a sentence that spoke to me so profoundly I started to cry. It read "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself."

Once I stoped crying I dug through my purse tyring to find something to write on. The only thing I could finds was my ticket. I knew I had the message I needed. The fear is worse the actual suffering. Why had I not realized this before?? The living in fear each day of the what if it doesn't work out a third time.??? What if there is something wrong with me?? What if I am never able to have a baby??? The fear of all these unanswered questions is far worse than trying and knowing. So I made a promise to myself before I got off the plane that night. I promised myself that I would finally go and get that blood test. I am going to call my Dr. and tell him that I am ready to try again. And most importantly I am finally ready to to tell my heart that the fear of suffering is far worse that the suffering itself.

Due Date

Today was my due date for my first pregnancy. I am doing okay expect for one more wonderful reminder of how unpregnant I am. Aunt Flow came early today. So today I am crampy, sad, and still wondering about when to try again.

Here we are!

I have had requests to post pictures of my hubby and me. So here we are...wouldn't we make beautiful babies???

Seeing the Forest and Finding my Faith

I used to always believe that babies came to earth when God wanted them to. They came when they came. After finding myself on the path of infertility I found myself wondering how God could be part of something so scientific. I thought to myself if God couldn't give me a body that got pregnant naturally then science would fix it. Science would bring me a baby. But I still often wondered if my doctors ever saw God in what they they did.

All week long I have been thinking a lot about me not being pregnant. Wondering how God and science could both fail me. And I have to say I have found my answer in God. I have to admit I was very surprised to come to this conclusion. I just thought there was seriously something wrong with me. However, after looking at the things in my life I have realized that it would not be the right time for me to deliver next month. The things that are happening in my family, my husband's business, and just in myself personally right now it wouldn't be right. I have come to the conclusion that God does have his hands in the scientific. So after many days of soul searching I know this for sure. I have found my faith in God again. I am going to close my eyes and jump and say I am in your hands now. God you will bring me a baby when the time is right.

Only God knows and sees the big picture. Sometimes we just get so focused on the trees we don't see the forest. So today I am stepping back and seeing the forest for the first time since being pushed down the path of infertility. As the days go on I might loose sight of the forest but at least for today I have found it and my faith in God again.

Today

Everyone in my office is pregnant. I am not exaggerating. There are at least six people I work with that are having babies this year. The first couple just had their baby and brought him to the office to show off. Needless to say I am a mess. When I saw them walk up my heart just sank. There was the baby I was suppose to have. I pretended to be excited and oohed over the little one. But inside my heart is broken. As they walked away K and I (she is also on the path of infertility) just sat there looking at each other. Both sensing the others pain. Both wishing it were our baby and both holding back tears.

So today I am struggling to be happy for those who are pregnant. I am trying to see the good things in my life. I am trying to remind myself that I may not be a mother but I have two nephews that tell me that I am their favorite and that is what counts!