Does It Really Work??

Right now my friend K is going through the same thing I have. An IVF cycle with pregnancy and miscarriage. So my question is..... Does it ever really work??? Come on now. I look at at every freaking pregnant person out there and think it is some giant conspiracy. I just don't understand how anyone can have a baby! You would think that after all that it takes to do IVF that it would result in a baby.

Sometimes I feel like I am in the Truman Show. That I am living this life that the whole world is watching and I am completely unaware of it. That they all know that if I just open my eyes, open a door, or turn a different way I will see the truth and I can have what I want or desire. If only it was that easy. But for now I am just here wondering if , when, and how will I have a baby.

Waiting

I saw my Dr. on Friday he said that he thinks that I am not a defect and that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. I am just one of the lucky ones that at my age is in the 4% of people that have two miscarriage in a row. Don't you just love fun statistics?? Anyway I am going to be getting blood drawn on practically everything to make sure for sure that I don't have some crazy weird problem that could be causing the miscarriages. The good news my Dr had for me was that I have about and 80% chance of carrying my next pregnancy to term. That made me feel a little better. However, I am not ready to try again and don't know when I will be. I feel like if I do have another miscarriage that I am going to have them the rest of my life and never be a mother. My Dr tells me that is not true but still I can think what I want to right?? So right now I just plan on waiting. Waiting to hear about my blood work. Waiting to see when I feel up to it. Waiting to so see if the pain goes away. Waiting to see if I can find myself again.

Where do I go from here?

As each day passes I find myself wondering where do I go from here? What do I do?? After two rounds of IVF, two pregnancies, and two miscarriages what do I do? Should I try it again? Is there something seriously wrong with me? Why can't I just be pregnant all ready? I find that I can't get away from it. Not even for a minute. I go to work and put a smile on my face. But inside I am sad, upset and afraid I will never be a mother. I turn on the radio and they are talking about being pregnant. I open a magazine and some new movie star is announcing her pregnancy or showing off their new baby. It reminds me more and more that I am not pregnant and makes me feel like I never will be. I hate this. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can handle another round of IVF all the shots, it is physically and mentally exhausting. If I do it again I am terrified of another miscarriage. I just don't know if I can bounce back from another one. It is too painful to go through again. So I am asking where do I go from here????

Will it ever happen???

Bill took me to San Diego for the weekend. It was amazing we had so much fun. It was great to get away if only for the weekend. But coming home I found was hard. I was sitting in the airport waiting for our luggage when I had this intense ache fill up inside me as reality came crashing back. I had another miscarriage. The words keeping going through my mind. The pain and empty ache I have had since my first were almost too much to take. I sat there waiting for the bags trying to think of anything else to keep me from breaking down in the airport. I did make it to car where I just sat there and cried. I don't think this empty feeling will ever go away. Being home again reminded me of the failed attempts to get pregnant. It brought back all those horrible feelings I was running away from. Will it ever happen for me??

I am blogging

This blog is going to be about my fertility or lack there of. I am doing this because my bff LaRen told me it would make me feel better while going through this awful process. So here it is my first post. I can't promise it is going to be interesting of fun to read. But I can promise you will laugh and you will cry. I also promise to be real and tell it like it is without the sugar. That is just the way I am. If you don't believe me ask anyone who knows me. So LaRenny here it is my first post. Aren't you proud????