Due Date

Today was my due date for my first pregnancy. I am doing okay expect for one more wonderful reminder of how unpregnant I am. Aunt Flow came early today. So today I am crampy, sad, and still wondering about when to try again.

Here we are!

I have had requests to post pictures of my hubby and me. So here we are...wouldn't we make beautiful babies???

Seeing the Forest and Finding my Faith

I used to always believe that babies came to earth when God wanted them to. They came when they came. After finding myself on the path of infertility I found myself wondering how God could be part of something so scientific. I thought to myself if God couldn't give me a body that got pregnant naturally then science would fix it. Science would bring me a baby. But I still often wondered if my doctors ever saw God in what they they did.

All week long I have been thinking a lot about me not being pregnant. Wondering how God and science could both fail me. And I have to say I have found my answer in God. I have to admit I was very surprised to come to this conclusion. I just thought there was seriously something wrong with me. However, after looking at the things in my life I have realized that it would not be the right time for me to deliver next month. The things that are happening in my family, my husband's business, and just in myself personally right now it wouldn't be right. I have come to the conclusion that God does have his hands in the scientific. So after many days of soul searching I know this for sure. I have found my faith in God again. I am going to close my eyes and jump and say I am in your hands now. God you will bring me a baby when the time is right.

Only God knows and sees the big picture. Sometimes we just get so focused on the trees we don't see the forest. So today I am stepping back and seeing the forest for the first time since being pushed down the path of infertility. As the days go on I might loose sight of the forest but at least for today I have found it and my faith in God again.

Today

Everyone in my office is pregnant. I am not exaggerating. There are at least six people I work with that are having babies this year. The first couple just had their baby and brought him to the office to show off. Needless to say I am a mess. When I saw them walk up my heart just sank. There was the baby I was suppose to have. I pretended to be excited and oohed over the little one. But inside my heart is broken. As they walked away K and I (she is also on the path of infertility) just sat there looking at each other. Both sensing the others pain. Both wishing it were our baby and both holding back tears.

So today I am struggling to be happy for those who are pregnant. I am trying to see the good things in my life. I am trying to remind myself that I may not be a mother but I have two nephews that tell me that I am their favorite and that is what counts!

There is a path to everything you want

When I moved in to my new house over a year ago we tried a new Chinese restaurant. At the end of dinner we got our fortunes my said, "There is a path to everything you want" I found it deeply meaningful and kept it and put it on a board in my kitchen. I have forgotten about it and looked at it again the other day. I remember the day I got it that I was happy thinking that the path to my baby would be through the best possible doctors and IVF. Today I look at my fortune and think the path to my baby may not be the one that I expected but at least there is still a path. I am not saying that I am going to give up on myself yet. I still think I will try IVF at least just one more time. But what I am saying is that I am growing up and I am opening my mind and my heart to the possibility of other paths.

So today I find myself thinking of the paths we take in like. With each path that we come across in our lives we have to ask our self is this the right path for me? We are lucky when we get to choose the path. Some paths we don't even get to choose like that path of infertility you just get kicked out of a moving car and stumble down it. They only thing we can choose is how we accept the un-choosen path. So with dignity and grace I will accept the path of infertility. I will stay to the world I may not be a mother but I am an amazing aunt, sister, wife, daughter, and friend. I will thank the Lord each day for the the things that I do have in my life. I will look at each day as a gift, every meal a banquet, and every challenge a new opportunity to grow. And most importantly I will remember that there is a path to everything I want.

Mother's Day

My husband and I went our last night for dinner.  We had a really good time and even decided to order desert.  When the waiter came over to ask if we wanted dessert he said the all mothers got free dessert.  I had to tell him that I was not a mother.  Just saying those words made me tear up. You can know something but unless you have to say the truth for others to hear you can live in denial. The poor waiter must have realized he hit a nerve and assured me I would get  free dessert as well.  I just sat there thinking to myself how I was suppose to be well on my way to being a mother by now.  How horrible it felt to say those words out loud. How no one on the planet understand the pain unless they have been there themselves. I ended up eating my charity dessert and holding back tears the whole time. The waiter told me as he brought us the check that I would be a mother soon enough as if her could sense my desire to be a mother.  I thought that the worst was over until....

Sunday my hubby and I go to brunch on most Sundays so this morning we got up and went to our favorite spot.  I had gotten over last nights melt down and was feeling okay to be in public even on the holiday that is dedicated for just mothers.  So we sat down and I just started to look around at all the happy families and began to tear up. When am I going to get my happy family? When will I be able to look at a family and not be jealous of them? Why do I have to go through this? All those happy families there celebrating their moms. Sitting there I just wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Sometimes I am just so sad and then others I am just so angry. I don't know which it worse. But what I do know for sure that this grieving thing comes in cycles and I never know when it's going to hit.  So here's to Mothers and wanna be 

Mothers crying in restaurants!

Things that make me sad

For the most part I can make it through the day a fairly happy person. I can put a smile on my face and say to myself I am strong!! I am not going to be sad today. Then I will see something that sets me off. For example, I was in Vegas last weekend and my sweet hubby took me to my favorite outlet for some shopping. I was wondering around the mall super happy when I came across a pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said expecting..... ugh like she needed to tell the whole world. We know you have the Golden Ticket we are not clueless your giant boobs and belly give it away for you. Seeing things like this remind me how pregnant I am not and how adorable I would think that shirt was if I was.

I got over the pregnant girl and made it back to work this week. We have outlet stores at the site of the corporate office where I work. I took a trip over there Monday and found another thing that made me cry. One of the stores is of home decor stuff they sell those Demdaco figurines. One of them is of two little babies. Twins I saw it on my way out and I teared up. I picked them up and didn't want to put them down. Those sweet little babies remind me of the two I have lost and the two I so desperately want. I secretly long for a set of twins. I hope that after all I have to go through to get pregnant I should get two! Today is Wednesday and I am still thinking about those little babies. Hoping they are sign that one day I will have babies. So today I find myself clinging to the hope that one day when I feel ready I will try again and I will have my twins.