Fear and Suffering

Okay I know I haven't posted in over 3 months. I have been running from reality and not wanting to deal with my infertility. I promised myself that after the summer ended I would try IVF once again. Well the summer came and went and I was still too afraid to try. Which leads me to my next point.

On Wednesday I had to get on a plane to go to NY so instead of getting my usually celeb gossip magazines. I deiced I was going to finish the book I have been avoiding because I knew deep down it was going to change me. The Alchemist. I got on the plane and found my seat and began to read. I had been reading for almost fours hours when I came across a sentence that spoke to me so profoundly I started to cry. It read "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself."

Once I stoped crying I dug through my purse tyring to find something to write on. The only thing I could finds was my ticket. I knew I had the message I needed. The fear is worse the actual suffering. Why had I not realized this before?? The living in fear each day of the what if it doesn't work out a third time.??? What if there is something wrong with me?? What if I am never able to have a baby??? The fear of all these unanswered questions is far worse than trying and knowing. So I made a promise to myself before I got off the plane that night. I promised myself that I would finally go and get that blood test. I am going to call my Dr. and tell him that I am ready to try again. And most importantly I am finally ready to to tell my heart that the fear of suffering is far worse that the suffering itself.