Seeing the Forest and Finding my Faith

I used to always believe that babies came to earth when God wanted them to. They came when they came. After finding myself on the path of infertility I found myself wondering how God could be part of something so scientific. I thought to myself if God couldn't give me a body that got pregnant naturally then science would fix it. Science would bring me a baby. But I still often wondered if my doctors ever saw God in what they they did.

All week long I have been thinking a lot about me not being pregnant. Wondering how God and science could both fail me. And I have to say I have found my answer in God. I have to admit I was very surprised to come to this conclusion. I just thought there was seriously something wrong with me. However, after looking at the things in my life I have realized that it would not be the right time for me to deliver next month. The things that are happening in my family, my husband's business, and just in myself personally right now it wouldn't be right. I have come to the conclusion that God does have his hands in the scientific. So after many days of soul searching I know this for sure. I have found my faith in God again. I am going to close my eyes and jump and say I am in your hands now. God you will bring me a baby when the time is right.

Only God knows and sees the big picture. Sometimes we just get so focused on the trees we don't see the forest. So today I am stepping back and seeing the forest for the first time since being pushed down the path of infertility. As the days go on I might loose sight of the forest but at least for today I have found it and my faith in God again.

Today

Everyone in my office is pregnant. I am not exaggerating. There are at least six people I work with that are having babies this year. The first couple just had their baby and brought him to the office to show off. Needless to say I am a mess. When I saw them walk up my heart just sank. There was the baby I was suppose to have. I pretended to be excited and oohed over the little one. But inside my heart is broken. As they walked away K and I (she is also on the path of infertility) just sat there looking at each other. Both sensing the others pain. Both wishing it were our baby and both holding back tears.

So today I am struggling to be happy for those who are pregnant. I am trying to see the good things in my life. I am trying to remind myself that I may not be a mother but I have two nephews that tell me that I am their favorite and that is what counts!