New Year--New Resolution

As the new year approaches we all think about what are New Year's Resolutions will be. As for me I have had mine taped to my computer for about a month now. It came to me in the from of a Dove Promise. The delicous chocolate candies that have a saying in the wrapper. It read Be fearless. I find this deeply meaningful one because I don't think that I have ever been fearless in my entire life. Two because I think certain things find you when you need them most. This one happened to find me as I was going to pitch a huge program to a large customer I have been dying to get. I need to to read those words. Be Fearless.

For me as this new year starts I am going to try and live my life by being fearless. I am not only going to apply it to my infertility but my everyday life too. For starters I am going to try IVF again as we ring in the new year. This time will be different though. I have been through it twice now. I know what to expect. So I am going to be go through the process by being fearless. Every twinge and ache I am not going to stress. I am going to enjoy...yes enjoy every shot, every exam, and every blood draw as this amazing step on my path to a baby.

Being fearless in my everyday life is going to be a little trickier. I think I am a person that pretty much likes to play it safe. I don't generally try things if I think they will make me feel stupid or awkward. So for the New Year and the New Fearless me I am going to try new things when ever they present themselves to me! So here is to the New Year, hopefully a New Baby, and a New fearless Me!

Be Fearless!

Fear and Suffering

Okay I know I haven't posted in over 3 months. I have been running from reality and not wanting to deal with my infertility. I promised myself that after the summer ended I would try IVF once again. Well the summer came and went and I was still too afraid to try. Which leads me to my next point.

On Wednesday I had to get on a plane to go to NY so instead of getting my usually celeb gossip magazines. I deiced I was going to finish the book I have been avoiding because I knew deep down it was going to change me. The Alchemist. I got on the plane and found my seat and began to read. I had been reading for almost fours hours when I came across a sentence that spoke to me so profoundly I started to cry. It read "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself."

Once I stoped crying I dug through my purse tyring to find something to write on. The only thing I could finds was my ticket. I knew I had the message I needed. The fear is worse the actual suffering. Why had I not realized this before?? The living in fear each day of the what if it doesn't work out a third time.??? What if there is something wrong with me?? What if I am never able to have a baby??? The fear of all these unanswered questions is far worse than trying and knowing. So I made a promise to myself before I got off the plane that night. I promised myself that I would finally go and get that blood test. I am going to call my Dr. and tell him that I am ready to try again. And most importantly I am finally ready to to tell my heart that the fear of suffering is far worse that the suffering itself.

Due Date

Today was my due date for my first pregnancy. I am doing okay expect for one more wonderful reminder of how unpregnant I am. Aunt Flow came early today. So today I am crampy, sad, and still wondering about when to try again.

Here we are!

I have had requests to post pictures of my hubby and me. So here we are...wouldn't we make beautiful babies???

Seeing the Forest and Finding my Faith

I used to always believe that babies came to earth when God wanted them to. They came when they came. After finding myself on the path of infertility I found myself wondering how God could be part of something so scientific. I thought to myself if God couldn't give me a body that got pregnant naturally then science would fix it. Science would bring me a baby. But I still often wondered if my doctors ever saw God in what they they did.

All week long I have been thinking a lot about me not being pregnant. Wondering how God and science could both fail me. And I have to say I have found my answer in God. I have to admit I was very surprised to come to this conclusion. I just thought there was seriously something wrong with me. However, after looking at the things in my life I have realized that it would not be the right time for me to deliver next month. The things that are happening in my family, my husband's business, and just in myself personally right now it wouldn't be right. I have come to the conclusion that God does have his hands in the scientific. So after many days of soul searching I know this for sure. I have found my faith in God again. I am going to close my eyes and jump and say I am in your hands now. God you will bring me a baby when the time is right.

Only God knows and sees the big picture. Sometimes we just get so focused on the trees we don't see the forest. So today I am stepping back and seeing the forest for the first time since being pushed down the path of infertility. As the days go on I might loose sight of the forest but at least for today I have found it and my faith in God again.

Today

Everyone in my office is pregnant. I am not exaggerating. There are at least six people I work with that are having babies this year. The first couple just had their baby and brought him to the office to show off. Needless to say I am a mess. When I saw them walk up my heart just sank. There was the baby I was suppose to have. I pretended to be excited and oohed over the little one. But inside my heart is broken. As they walked away K and I (she is also on the path of infertility) just sat there looking at each other. Both sensing the others pain. Both wishing it were our baby and both holding back tears.

So today I am struggling to be happy for those who are pregnant. I am trying to see the good things in my life. I am trying to remind myself that I may not be a mother but I have two nephews that tell me that I am their favorite and that is what counts!

There is a path to everything you want

When I moved in to my new house over a year ago we tried a new Chinese restaurant. At the end of dinner we got our fortunes my said, "There is a path to everything you want" I found it deeply meaningful and kept it and put it on a board in my kitchen. I have forgotten about it and looked at it again the other day. I remember the day I got it that I was happy thinking that the path to my baby would be through the best possible doctors and IVF. Today I look at my fortune and think the path to my baby may not be the one that I expected but at least there is still a path. I am not saying that I am going to give up on myself yet. I still think I will try IVF at least just one more time. But what I am saying is that I am growing up and I am opening my mind and my heart to the possibility of other paths.

So today I find myself thinking of the paths we take in like. With each path that we come across in our lives we have to ask our self is this the right path for me? We are lucky when we get to choose the path. Some paths we don't even get to choose like that path of infertility you just get kicked out of a moving car and stumble down it. They only thing we can choose is how we accept the un-choosen path. So with dignity and grace I will accept the path of infertility. I will stay to the world I may not be a mother but I am an amazing aunt, sister, wife, daughter, and friend. I will thank the Lord each day for the the things that I do have in my life. I will look at each day as a gift, every meal a banquet, and every challenge a new opportunity to grow. And most importantly I will remember that there is a path to everything I want.

Mother's Day

My husband and I went our last night for dinner.  We had a really good time and even decided to order desert.  When the waiter came over to ask if we wanted dessert he said the all mothers got free dessert.  I had to tell him that I was not a mother.  Just saying those words made me tear up. You can know something but unless you have to say the truth for others to hear you can live in denial. The poor waiter must have realized he hit a nerve and assured me I would get  free dessert as well.  I just sat there thinking to myself how I was suppose to be well on my way to being a mother by now.  How horrible it felt to say those words out loud. How no one on the planet understand the pain unless they have been there themselves. I ended up eating my charity dessert and holding back tears the whole time. The waiter told me as he brought us the check that I would be a mother soon enough as if her could sense my desire to be a mother.  I thought that the worst was over until....

Sunday my hubby and I go to brunch on most Sundays so this morning we got up and went to our favorite spot.  I had gotten over last nights melt down and was feeling okay to be in public even on the holiday that is dedicated for just mothers.  So we sat down and I just started to look around at all the happy families and began to tear up. When am I going to get my happy family? When will I be able to look at a family and not be jealous of them? Why do I have to go through this? All those happy families there celebrating their moms. Sitting there I just wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Sometimes I am just so sad and then others I am just so angry. I don't know which it worse. But what I do know for sure that this grieving thing comes in cycles and I never know when it's going to hit.  So here's to Mothers and wanna be 

Mothers crying in restaurants!

Things that make me sad

For the most part I can make it through the day a fairly happy person. I can put a smile on my face and say to myself I am strong!! I am not going to be sad today. Then I will see something that sets me off. For example, I was in Vegas last weekend and my sweet hubby took me to my favorite outlet for some shopping. I was wondering around the mall super happy when I came across a pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said expecting..... ugh like she needed to tell the whole world. We know you have the Golden Ticket we are not clueless your giant boobs and belly give it away for you. Seeing things like this remind me how pregnant I am not and how adorable I would think that shirt was if I was.

I got over the pregnant girl and made it back to work this week. We have outlet stores at the site of the corporate office where I work. I took a trip over there Monday and found another thing that made me cry. One of the stores is of home decor stuff they sell those Demdaco figurines. One of them is of two little babies. Twins I saw it on my way out and I teared up. I picked them up and didn't want to put them down. Those sweet little babies remind me of the two I have lost and the two I so desperately want. I secretly long for a set of twins. I hope that after all I have to go through to get pregnant I should get two! Today is Wednesday and I am still thinking about those little babies. Hoping they are sign that one day I will have babies. So today I find myself clinging to the hope that one day when I feel ready I will try again and I will have my twins.

Does It Really Work??

Right now my friend K is going through the same thing I have. An IVF cycle with pregnancy and miscarriage. So my question is..... Does it ever really work??? Come on now. I look at at every freaking pregnant person out there and think it is some giant conspiracy. I just don't understand how anyone can have a baby! You would think that after all that it takes to do IVF that it would result in a baby.

Sometimes I feel like I am in the Truman Show. That I am living this life that the whole world is watching and I am completely unaware of it. That they all know that if I just open my eyes, open a door, or turn a different way I will see the truth and I can have what I want or desire. If only it was that easy. But for now I am just here wondering if , when, and how will I have a baby.

Waiting

I saw my Dr. on Friday he said that he thinks that I am not a defect and that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. I am just one of the lucky ones that at my age is in the 4% of people that have two miscarriage in a row. Don't you just love fun statistics?? Anyway I am going to be getting blood drawn on practically everything to make sure for sure that I don't have some crazy weird problem that could be causing the miscarriages. The good news my Dr had for me was that I have about and 80% chance of carrying my next pregnancy to term. That made me feel a little better. However, I am not ready to try again and don't know when I will be. I feel like if I do have another miscarriage that I am going to have them the rest of my life and never be a mother. My Dr tells me that is not true but still I can think what I want to right?? So right now I just plan on waiting. Waiting to hear about my blood work. Waiting to see when I feel up to it. Waiting to so see if the pain goes away. Waiting to see if I can find myself again.

Where do I go from here?

As each day passes I find myself wondering where do I go from here? What do I do?? After two rounds of IVF, two pregnancies, and two miscarriages what do I do? Should I try it again? Is there something seriously wrong with me? Why can't I just be pregnant all ready? I find that I can't get away from it. Not even for a minute. I go to work and put a smile on my face. But inside I am sad, upset and afraid I will never be a mother. I turn on the radio and they are talking about being pregnant. I open a magazine and some new movie star is announcing her pregnancy or showing off their new baby. It reminds me more and more that I am not pregnant and makes me feel like I never will be. I hate this. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can handle another round of IVF all the shots, it is physically and mentally exhausting. If I do it again I am terrified of another miscarriage. I just don't know if I can bounce back from another one. It is too painful to go through again. So I am asking where do I go from here????

Will it ever happen???

Bill took me to San Diego for the weekend. It was amazing we had so much fun. It was great to get away if only for the weekend. But coming home I found was hard. I was sitting in the airport waiting for our luggage when I had this intense ache fill up inside me as reality came crashing back. I had another miscarriage. The words keeping going through my mind. The pain and empty ache I have had since my first were almost too much to take. I sat there waiting for the bags trying to think of anything else to keep me from breaking down in the airport. I did make it to car where I just sat there and cried. I don't think this empty feeling will ever go away. Being home again reminded me of the failed attempts to get pregnant. It brought back all those horrible feelings I was running away from. Will it ever happen for me??

I am blogging

This blog is going to be about my fertility or lack there of. I am doing this because my bff LaRen told me it would make me feel better while going through this awful process. So here it is my first post. I can't promise it is going to be interesting of fun to read. But I can promise you will laugh and you will cry. I also promise to be real and tell it like it is without the sugar. That is just the way I am. If you don't believe me ask anyone who knows me. So LaRenny here it is my first post. Aren't you proud????