Okay I know I haven't posted in over 3 months. I have been running from reality and not wanting to deal with my infertility. I promised myself that after the summer ended I would try IVF once again. Well the summer came and went and I was still too afraid to try. Which leads me to my next point.
On Wednesday I had to get on a plane to go to NY so instead of getting my usually celeb gossip magazines. I deiced I was going to finish the book I have been avoiding because I knew deep down it was going to change me. The Alchemist. I got on the plane and found my seat and began to read. I had been reading for almost fours hours when I came across a sentence that spoke to me so profoundly I started to cry. It read "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself."
Once I stoped crying I dug through my purse tyring to find something to write on. The only thing I could finds was my ticket. I knew I had the message I needed. The fear is worse the actual suffering. Why had I not realized this before?? The living in fear each day of the what if it doesn't work out a third time.??? What if there is something wrong with me?? What if I am never able to have a baby??? The fear of all these unanswered questions is far worse than trying and knowing. So I made a promise to myself before I got off the plane that night. I promised myself that I would finally go and get that blood test. I am going to call my Dr. and tell him that I am ready to try again. And most importantly I am finally ready to to tell my heart that the fear of suffering is far worse that the suffering itself.
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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Babies………I have had four of them. How many of us women take the opportunity be a mother for granted? I did. I never thought about it or how lucky I was to be able to conceive and deliver healthy babies. I have come to realize what a blessing that is as each day passes. I have four beautiful grown daughters. Each daughter has their own special personality, their own hopes and dreams.
My second daughter is having some challenges currently. She is married to a wonderful man and dreams of having a child, and a family to call her own. They have done everything possible to have a child and yet a child doesn’t come. Until you are in the position you don’t notice all the pregnant people around you, all the Hollywood stars that are having babies, the neighbors, the office mates, the friends, etc.
This past year my daughter and her husband have been to a clinic that specializes in invitro fertilization. The hopes of having the child that they dream of are the most important thing to them right now. My daughter has had to go through two surgeries to retrieve eggs, two implantations, two pregnancies and two miscarriages. It is so hard to be the mother of this precious daughter, watch her pain and be not being able to do anything about it but pray. I can hold her, cry with her and try to help ease the pain, knowing nothing I say or do will take the pain away.
Today while I was talking to her she mentioned to me that she had started a blog to vent her feelings and frustrations. She mentioned the lack of materials, articles, resources for women like her. I went to her blog and read her feelings, her pain and hunger for a baby I could really feel her empty arms as if they were my own. I wept as I could feel her fear, her loneliness, her frustration and pain. It was then that I realized I can do more than hold her and pray for her. I can help raise the level of awareness of infertility. My daughter and I can have a voice and together we can make a difference. As we have tried to bring the stories of one woman, one name and one story of a breast cancer victim we can do the same for infertility.
Starting today, I want to make a difference. Starting today I want to have a voice.
I remember how horrible your migraines were while you were at SUU, I'm so sorry that you are still getting them. All I can say is that you are one of the strongest women I know and I have faith that you can make it through anything life throws at you with style!
If you ever need to vent about anything feel free to give me a call!
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