Does It Really Work??

Right now my friend K is going through the same thing I have. An IVF cycle with pregnancy and miscarriage. So my question is..... Does it ever really work??? Come on now. I look at at every freaking pregnant person out there and think it is some giant conspiracy. I just don't understand how anyone can have a baby! You would think that after all that it takes to do IVF that it would result in a baby.

Sometimes I feel like I am in the Truman Show. That I am living this life that the whole world is watching and I am completely unaware of it. That they all know that if I just open my eyes, open a door, or turn a different way I will see the truth and I can have what I want or desire. If only it was that easy. But for now I am just here wondering if , when, and how will I have a baby.

Waiting

I saw my Dr. on Friday he said that he thinks that I am not a defect and that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. I am just one of the lucky ones that at my age is in the 4% of people that have two miscarriage in a row. Don't you just love fun statistics?? Anyway I am going to be getting blood drawn on practically everything to make sure for sure that I don't have some crazy weird problem that could be causing the miscarriages. The good news my Dr had for me was that I have about and 80% chance of carrying my next pregnancy to term. That made me feel a little better. However, I am not ready to try again and don't know when I will be. I feel like if I do have another miscarriage that I am going to have them the rest of my life and never be a mother. My Dr tells me that is not true but still I can think what I want to right?? So right now I just plan on waiting. Waiting to hear about my blood work. Waiting to see when I feel up to it. Waiting to so see if the pain goes away. Waiting to see if I can find myself again.

Where do I go from here?

As each day passes I find myself wondering where do I go from here? What do I do?? After two rounds of IVF, two pregnancies, and two miscarriages what do I do? Should I try it again? Is there something seriously wrong with me? Why can't I just be pregnant all ready? I find that I can't get away from it. Not even for a minute. I go to work and put a smile on my face. But inside I am sad, upset and afraid I will never be a mother. I turn on the radio and they are talking about being pregnant. I open a magazine and some new movie star is announcing her pregnancy or showing off their new baby. It reminds me more and more that I am not pregnant and makes me feel like I never will be. I hate this. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can handle another round of IVF all the shots, it is physically and mentally exhausting. If I do it again I am terrified of another miscarriage. I just don't know if I can bounce back from another one. It is too painful to go through again. So I am asking where do I go from here????